29.6.2019

Saturday

I feel good. Or good for my standards. Not normal yet but good. My health is jumping up and down like crazy right now. Some moments I can’t even stand up while others I feel like conquering the whole world. Better this than living every day in the endless mist of not being able to do anything.

People keep telling me to rest on good days because I’m not yet better. Just going there. And so I just rested, watched some Netflix documentaries and wrote a little bit. Nothing interesting to tell the truth. A first few episodes of this one drama where the protagonist falls for his best friend who would never like him back. I may have cried. Reminded me of my first love.

You have to decide will you keep a friend and be in pain or lose a friend and still be in pain but maybe not so long. Unwanted love. It’s the saddest love on earth. When you love someone you don’t want to. You know they will hurt you million times more even without knowing it.

My heart hurts from the memories of what once was.

At this point I had to go out. The four walls were closing in. Bought Kinder Maxi bars from the store. Saw a girl waving a big flag in pride colors and her friend a little shyer covered in the colors asexuals. If I was braver maybe I would have said hi. Maybe even go to the pride parade. But just maybe things like that aren’t made for socially anxious people to go alone.

So, I spend hour browsing old books in a close-by flea market. Didn’t want to go home. I left only after they shut down the lights.

Sent some messages back and ford with L. She always knows how to make happy even if I feel like we are getting too far apart. Still, I can only be happy – she has found love. I couldn’t share with her that I had been crying for half a day so far.

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