9.7.2019

Tuesday

I was feeling so well and now everything is falling apart once again.

When I started this diary, I did it because I felt like everything was going so well. After so long my days felt fine almost like normal. Never wanted to write every post about hurting and hurting again, not getting out of bed for days.

I hope I could tell you happy tales. Speak about the stupid things I have done. Tell you about the wedding I attended this weekend or share the small talks I have with my sister after she returns from work. There are so many things to do, to achieve, to try. Why can’t I just go on and write about those?

Why once again I’m bedbound on the edge of dropping down?

My school starts in a month. What if my health doesn’t get better before that? I got time for a brain scan and it scares me to the end. On the other hand, I hope they find something. At least they could do something. But who really wants to be sick?

Maybe this endless tiredness and my body not working is just because of the long weekend full of stress. Or so I hope. I have already made plans for the weekend – will go to see the new Spider-Man with my cousin in Helsinki. On Monday we do a family trip somewhere. Then we go to see pandas with my family and cousins. After that, it’s my grandpa’s book release party. And then only a few weeks before school starts.

Oh god, let me be well to do all that like a normal human being. Is that too much to ask?

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