16.7.2019

Tuesday

This weekend was busy. I spent some time in Helsinki. Saw the new Spider-Man movie with my cousin S. We fought over does Spider-Man have web naturally or has he made web-shooters himself. Both of us were correct. I grew up reading the comics, she grew up watching the first movies. Kind of silly, because I’m the younger one of us.

Sunday went by doing nothing.

On Monday we had planned a summer day trip. My sister was sick and couldn’t come – she kept coughing through the night. So, we left 9 am with my mum and cousin R. Too early to be alive. Drove a few hours having conversations about everything and nothing at the same time. I live and also die for these moments. It’s like walking on a thin rope between hurting and having fun.

My family is kind of dysfunctional.

We talked about how my uncle had left a plastic container for my grandpa to store used needles. My grandpa is a retired veterinarian who still seems to have too many returning customers for anyone’s sake. My mum has done this thing several times – told my grandpa to put the needles to somewhere save right after giving a dog or cat their vaccine. Does he do it? Never…

So, before we left for our summer trip we had a good laugh (and inner cry) with my mum. The plastic container and message written using BIG lettering my uncle left for grandpa were still on the table of his clinic. The issue? There were used needles around the container but none in it.

Maybe now you understand how I grew up being the most passive-aggressive person ever…

But now back to my travel story!

We met my other cousin S and my aunt in idyllic Finnish small town. Visited like a million idyllic shops they had there and I ate terrible ice-cream. My nurse called just when we were visiting the most interesting shop so I had to skip it. Maybe just a good thing because I may have ended up buying too much stuff. Apparently, my nurse talked with a therapist – they don’t have anything they could help me with. So, I have just normal meeting with my nurse next week where we try to figure out what to do with

1. my fear of hospitals

2. still active mysterious disease – probably just anemia.

Our summer trip continued to this outdoor museum that I only remembered visiting before after seeing their small red granaries (is this even the correct English word for small houses where they used to store grain and other things?). The museum part had three small rooms and cost a fortune to get in. However, no regrets – my mum paid for me.

The last stop after buying strawberries from farm and ice-cream was my relatives’ summer home. I could spend my summer in an old country house… Just writing, writing, writing. By to way, I have been writing a lot lately. Not for 2 hours like I promised for Camp Nanowrimo – hadn’t been in good enough health for that – but several pages of my new notebook from Muji per day.

9.7.2019

Tuesday

I was feeling so well and now everything is falling apart once again.

When I started this diary, I did it because I felt like everything was going so well. After so long my days felt fine almost like normal. Never wanted to write every post about hurting and hurting again, not getting out of bed for days.

I hope I could tell you happy tales. Speak about the stupid things I have done. Tell you about the wedding I attended this weekend or share the small talks I have with my sister after she returns from work. There are so many things to do, to achieve, to try. Why can’t I just go on and write about those?

Why once again I’m bedbound on the edge of dropping down?

My school starts in a month. What if my health doesn’t get better before that? I got time for a brain scan and it scares me to the end. On the other hand, I hope they find something. At least they could do something. But who really wants to be sick?

Maybe this endless tiredness and my body not working is just because of the long weekend full of stress. Or so I hope. I have already made plans for the weekend – will go to see the new Spider-Man with my cousin in Helsinki. On Monday we do a family trip somewhere. Then we go to see pandas with my family and cousins. After that, it’s my grandpa’s book release party. And then only a few weeks before school starts.

Oh god, let me be well to do all that like a normal human being. Is that too much to ask?